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Sunday Post: 12/12/2021

Hello, my lovelies.

Feeling introspective today, and when I introspect, I gotta write about it. If you don’t wanna take a walk through the terrifying forest of my brain, you can skip to the “I Read…” section, which will likely be far less, erm, personal.

Also, this is kind of stream of consciousness, so it may not make sense till the end, if it makes sense even then. We’ll see.

So recently, a friend called me on the phone. He wasn’t paying attention to the time, and called at a time when most humans are sleeping, which I didn’t mind. I can always go back to sleep; I can’t always talk to my friends.

Anyway, when he apologized for waking me, I said “That’s OK. I’m always happy to be awakened by you.”

He was silent. “What?” I said. He replied, “You are just so relentlessly positive. It’s like being beaten with a rainbow.”

Now, I am given to understand that that is a Russell Brand quote, and I know this person well enough to know that he was just taking the piss, that he didn’t say it to hurt my feelings.

And it didn’t, not really. But it did launch me into a deep well of thinking about positivity, and when it’s real, and when it’s not, and if we should try to always be positive even if we aren’t feeling it, and if that makes other people mad, and if that should matter, and…

It was a deep well y’all. I’m lucky to have climbed out at all.

Here’s the thing. I was a miserable teenager. I was snarky, and mean. I hated not being popular, but not enough to do what it would take to actually BE popular, and I hated the popular kids for not accepting me as I was, and I hated the not-popular kids for not accepting me because they thought I thought I was better than they were, which I kind of did. I was miserable. I had a few friends, and a couple hobbies, and I mostly just read and picked fights with my mom, like teenagers do.

And then at seventeen, it occurred to me that I was about to go away to college, and no one would know me there, and I could be whomever I wanted to be. I could be a ray of fucking sunshine, and no one would ever know that I hadn’t been born that way. No one would know what a miserable shit I had always been up till that point.

It was a fascinating thought experiment. Can you just decide to be someone else?

The answer is yes, sort of. I don’t think that I really changed, not in my soul, but I got comfy being that girl, the one that laughed a lot, and hugged a lot, and loved fiercely. The one that looked at people like they were real people, who looked at them like they were the only people in the world, who looked at them like they MATTERED. I love being that girl.

I call her Marcie, that girl that everyone sees.

And Marcie and I coexist pretty well. She’s not always who I am, but she’s the face that I try to present to the world.

But who am I? Specifically, who am I without her? Well, I’m angry a lot of the time. I hate the state of the world right now, hate the pandemic, hate that we have politicized it at the expense of hundreds of thousands of lives. I hate politics, in general, but I also hate that I have to BE political because lives are on the line, and there is no room for anyone to sit this one out.

And I hate that I am sick. I hate this disease. I hate that I can’t drive, or earn a living anymore. I hate worrying about money, which I spend most of my waking hours doing. I hate knowing that tomorrow I could wake up blind or paralyzed. I know this because it’s happened. And I hate knowing that the next time, it could be permanent. The next time, five days of emergency steroid infusions might not repair the nerve pathways enough for me to walk, or see, or function. So, yeah. I’m pretty angry.

But all that anger makes it easy for Marcie to take the wheel, because when I don’t wake up blind or paralyzed, well, the relief is palpable. And that makes letting Marcie be in charge of the day seem OK.

So if I smack you with a rainbow, please know that it’s at least partly because I woke up able to see the freaking rainbow.

And also know that the rainbow obscures some real darkness. But the world doesn’t need more darkness, so rainbows it will be.

I read four books this week—

I did a full review of Never on Wednesday, and a full review of It Happened One Midnight (which is an #arc) will forthcome this week. This leaves us with Into the Dark (Orphan X #5), which I really liked, but thought was probably 100 pages too long (Editors! We need Editors!). And In A Holidaze was cute, but I didn’t quite buy the chemistry between the leads, which is weird for me in a Christina Lauren book. I mean, it was fine…but not exceptional.

OK, that’s all from the 52 meditation chamber, where we are frantically centering our chi.

Till next week, stay safe, wear a mask, get a booster if you can and stop and look at the rainbows.

The Sunday Post is a blog news meme hosted by Kimberly @Caffeinated Reviewer. It’s a chance to share news~ A post to recap the past week on your blog and showcase books and things we have received. Share news about what is coming up on your blog for the week ahead. Join in weekly, bi-weekly or for a monthly wrap up.

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7 thoughts on “Sunday Post: 12/12/2021

  1. I’m so sorry you have these dark feelings sometimes. I think we all do at times, and most of us have a “Marcie” that we show to the world, especially social media “Marcie”. I’m also very inspired by your post and your ability to stay positive, even when you don’t really feel it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you so much appreciation and rainbow happy positive vibes, Lori! 🌈 I can relate a lot to what you wrote. I’ve been reflecting a lot this year about how I’ve changed over the years and it’s kinda the opposite journey you’ve gone through (with me being less rainbow positivity and more grumpy cat before cos I’m angry and frustrated too)! But you’ve inspired me to try a bit harder to get back a bit more of that positive energy cos there’s defo enough negative energy in the world right now! 😊

    I also read In A Holidaze this week and finished it yesterday. I enjoyed it but I was also kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop cos it felt too easy? 😂 But I thought it was a very feel-good holiday romance!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are always welcome in my world of rainbows and unicorns. It’s really quite a lovely place. You know, I didn’t write up a what’s going on section in my Sunday Post this week because my Father-in-law died, and to talk about it would not be very rainbows and unicorns, so I totally get what you’re saying.
    I love the Orphan X series! I have this ARC too, so it’s good to know it reads a bit long. Going in prepared always helps.
    Hang on to those rainbows 🌈 !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Death sucks. I also cut a section in my post where I talked about my late husband, because I thought it would be just too much of a downer, so I get it. Be kind to yourself this season. Your family will be in my thoughts. 🌈

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s so much better to be a radiator than a drain, add the joy to life rather than take it way. Not that it’s always easy but it’s great that you made that decision to be the best you possible.

    Liked by 1 person

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